


Yours & Mine, Our phobos and phobias

by KumiLovesRoulette



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Fluff and Smut, I haven't played the game yet so some infos in this fic might not accurate, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Phobias, Rate M in the last two chapters, a little angst maybe, google translated most of the fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2020-10-09 23:33:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20518277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KumiLovesRoulette/pseuds/KumiLovesRoulette
Summary: ((From wiki))[Ch.0] Prologue - Phobos and Phobias.[Ch.1] Acrophobia - an extreme or irrational fear or phobia of heights, especially when one is not particularly high up.[Ch.2] Dysmorphophobia - a mental disorder characterized by the obsessive idea that some aspect of one's own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix one's dysmorphic part on one's figure.[Ch.3 + Ch.4] Cherophobia - an attitude towards happiness in which individuals may deliberately avoid experiences that invoke positive emotions or happiness.





	1. Chapter 0. Phobos and Phobias

**Author's Note:**

> I am no experts or study much about phobias, language barrier doesn't help too so please read this with an open heart.

[0] Prologue - Phobos and Phobias. 

“Fear?”

Otoya said that and tilted his head. Fears… what's this topic all of a sudden?

There is a familiar feeling when he looks at Otoya being like this – all confused and not knowing what to do with his head tilted to one side.

Otoya, who had been interviewed for a magazine in a studio in Tokyo, is the last member arrived at this lesson studio, but as he entered the room, Syo asked him “Otoya, what is your fear?”, and Otoya has been standing like that ever since.

“What do you mean?”

Otoya asks with his head raised, the frame of the glasses for disguise shifts according to gravity. He noticed that his vision was narrowing so took the glasses off and put them in his pocket. For a moment, Tokiya wondered if the lens would be damaged with that kind of handling, but he was more concerned about the owner of them.

Tokiya didn’t answer Otoya’s question yet, just said “Stop standing in such place, why don’t you sitting down for the time being?”. Hearing that, Otoya finally joined everyone at the meeting table.

“It is a question from the quiz.”

“Quiz?”

_Aren’t we going to practice dancing for the concert now? What does a quiz have anything to do with it?_, Otoya wondered while looking at the paper in Tokiya’s hand. The A4 sized sheet of paper has a list of frequently asked questions that can be used as a hot topic when interview a guest on a talk show. Looking at the title of the quiz, it seems that it will be the materials for a talk variety program that will be recorded with ST☆RISH as a guest in the next few weeks.

Still, Otoya, who hasn't fully understood the situation, begins to study the details of the quiz together with Masato who gave out the paper and a pen.

“You should fill in advance because it will be used as the materials for the recording. They said that the meeting will be based on this print.”

“I see. Oh, has everyone finished doing it?”

Otoya looked around, other’s papers had already been filled with more than a half. _Ren finished already?_, he mumbled while spinning his pen. Tokiya grabbed his hand, stopped him from attempting to fill in the paper hurriedly.

“You can’t give out good answers when you’re in rushed. Please write them calmly.”

If Tokiya's words were to be heard by a person who did not know anything, they would think those were too harsh, but the words’s true meaning was, “Write slowly and accurately without worrying about the surroundings''. Of course Otoya isn’t just someone else, he understands perfecly and makes an honest reply “Okay~”, then slides his gaze on the paper.

The questions inside are lined up and kind of easy to answer smoothly, like what you are into these days, your thoughts about the program, how you adjust to your office, there’re even questions related to the five major domes concert next month.

And the last question, “What is your fear?”.

Otoya reached the question which he was asked from the beginning. _The “fear” Syo said must be this one_, he thought. Given the recording date, it will be at the end of summer, but Otoya thinks it’s a summer-like question.

“Fear… hmm… fear huh?”

Ren heard Otoya speaking to himself, he decided to say something fun.

“The thing you wrote here might appear at that recording as a surprised present~”

“EHH!”

Syo raised his voice a little. “It may be possible”, Tokiya added.

“What did everyone write?”

“To me, it’s thunder~”

The first person answers Otoya’s question is Natsuki, he lowers his eyebrows, “Lately Mr.Thunder is really angry in the evening”. In response to this, Masato muttered “I see”, and he offered the next answer.

“Mine is mold. This time of the year the humidity and temperature were high and it was easy to mold. A few days ago I saw a glass somebody left in the movie set, the mold was growing in it. That was really scary…”

“That’s true. I have to be careful these days in cleaning the kitchen chopping board, the window sash,…”

“Oh, Ichinose is interested in using those too?”

Adult men in their twenties, _idols on top of that_, talking about houseworks and chores— Otoya turned away from their conversation and looked at the paper in Syo’s hand.

“Syo, what did you write?”

“Me? I don't think this is particularly bad... Well, it’s summer so I wrote ghost. Scary things in summer mostly are insects, thunder or ghosts right?”

“Ochibi-chan, if you write it, there may be a bloody mannequin falling from the ceiling of the studio you know?”

“Don’t say such things… too scary…”

“I’m looking forward to the recording~” – Ren smirks.

Listening to Ren and Syo having a conversation like that, Otoya rounds his eyes and then taps Syo's shoulders.

“It’s okay, Syo. There’s no such thing as ghosts!”

When Otoya laughed, the other two people stopped moving. There are two big question marks in their expressions.

“Eh… oh… It might be true… I never thought of it but Otoya is the type that doesn’t believe in ghost huh?”

“Hm? You can’t see it so it’s not there right?”

“Heh… so Ikki has a very realistic side too.”

“Is that so?”

—―_They never appear even if you beg for them to, so they’re not real. It’s just simple like that to me_.

Otoya doesn’t know that Tokiya has been staring at his smiling face and craves his words into his heart.

“Does Tokiya have any fears?”

Otoya suddenly asked Tokiya about this while wiping off the sweat that had floated on his forehead with a towel. If you look at the unadorned clock on the wall of the studio, the time is past 9pm. Speaking of which, Otoya thinks that he forgot to eat dinner, but now that he has become too enthusiastic about the lesson and has passed the hunger, he doesn't really want to eat anything.

Only Otoya and Tokiya are left in this lesson studio.

The whole dance lesson that started after waiting for Otoya to complete the quiz was over, only Otoya and Tokiya were practicing since then. In these songs of the concert, the choreography of their parts is very difficult so they decided to practice a little more.

"It depends on how you define fear." – Tokiya lifted his mouth from a sports drink for hydration and said.

"A definition of fear? What do you mean?"

“Like Syo said, insects, thunder or ghosts are not that bad, some people even say they like them, but it’s normal to be afraid of them too. Like insects and ghosts, they’re afraid of them because they don’t know how to protect themselves from them, just the thoughts of being hopeless in front of insects or ghosts could already made people feel intimidated and scared. Then there’s thunder, normally you won’t be afraid of it but when there’s a thunderstorm outside, will you still go out and ignore the nature instinct of protecting your own life? In other words, it depends on what kind of things make you feel scared or insecure to answer that question.”

“Ah… I don’t understand much but I know Tokiya must have said something really amazing!”

Tokiya sighed at Otoya’s furiously noddings, “which means you don’t understand anything”, regained his mind as he continued:

“Well, in the first place the feelings of “fear” might be confused between hateful or fearful. For example, the feelings about mold that came out in the conversation between me and Hijirikawa-san wasn’t really fear, it’s better to say that you have a sense of disgust of it, and it should be fundamentally different from the feeling of Shinomiya-san’s expression of thunder as scary… now, what do you write to answer that?"

Tokiya sends his gaze at the meeting table. On top of it, the quiz papers filled out by everyone are randomly layered. Surely they will be collected by the office staffs later.

“Me? I wrote “high places”.”

“That’s a phobia rather than fear in your case right?”

“Uhn? Isn’t it okay to write your phobia as your fear?

"Yes, of course.... But everyone should be scared in the first place when going up too high. People who are not afraid of high places mostly because their instinct for avoiding dangerous actions to protect their lives is significantly lacking. The content is very similar to the thunder that was mentioned earlier, but in the case of Otoya, it's scary even if it's just a little high or within the tolerance of many people. So instead of fear, it would be the word phobia.''

“I see… so it’s not only something you’re afraid of more than others but anything makes your heart turn up side down, makes you become unable to move or get sick could be written in too?”

“Yes, you could fill in those too. Your phobia affects your daily life and often appear so that’s why when mention fear you think of it first before everything else.”

“Yeah, now I understand.”

"I've told you a while ago that there are a lot of scary things, and you should know it depends on the degree."

“Yes, I know… then?”

“What?”

“What did Tokiya write? The fear.”

“Heat stroke.”

“EEHHH?! What?!”

Otoya raised his voice. He’s clearly disastified with the answer.

“What’s not okay with that? If we’re not careful about it, our concert will be affected, the staffs get concerned, the project is delayed or failed, don’t you find it scary?”

“It’s true but… eehhh… heat stroke…?”

Otoya wants to ask more but Tokiya has already begun to prepare to go home. Otoya knows this conversation is over so he stops talking. _This is frustrating_, he thinks.

But he misses Tokiya’s muttering words _“I was too scared to write down the real thing I am afraid of”_ behind him.

By the way, although it is just a side story.

A few weeks later, a stuffed animal with blood paste dropped from the ceiling as Ren said. Syo, on the other hand, was amazingly surprised, and Otoya, who was startled by the unrelated sound effect, had fallen off the chair.

Looking at the sight, Tokiya said, “This was just a surprise rather than a scary thing…” but of course no one in the studio heard him.


	2. [1] Acrophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s okay. You can’t die with just being on high places. Anyway, take a deep breath, think that your feet are now on the floor. I’m right here by your side.”
> 
> “Yeah… I will think that even if I fall from this tower and die I still have Tokiya by my side.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friday 13th, not a good day to post this huh? Thank you for leaving kudos!

[1] Acrophobia

There’s a story behind Otoya’s answer about his fear.

His acrophobia is known to both others and himself.

Literally, because he is afraid of heights, Otoya is definitely afraid of high places, but “the high places” that is the object of Otoya's horror is a physical height of several tens of meters above the ground. It is not related to the physical height.

In the case of Otoya, just above his height is already too much to him. Otoya has never told anyone, but it's actually scary to stare down from the second floor window. Depending on the symptoms of acrophobia, some people may not be able to go up a few steps, so compared to that, Otoya's fear of heights is less likely to have a major impact on daily life.

In other words, Otoya's fear of heights means that if he goes higher than his height, his feet will crawl. When he is in a high place, he must get off from there immediately or deceive himself that he’s not in that state. But then slowly, his ears turn hot, his field of view sways, his chest tightenes and his breath becomes harder. Sometimes the surrounding sounds become far away and he feels like he is floating a little.

Why is he afraid of high places? The reason is, in short, because Otoya had fallen from the tree when he was young. Many children falls from the tree but not all fallen children will be afraid of heights. To make Otoya become this scared of heights, the fall at that time must be bad. Otoya can still remember that event with a deteriorated image like an old film of a recorded movie.

A tree that far exceeds the height of an adult. The rugged feeling on his hands. As he climbeb, the sky became closer and the sunshine spilled through the gaps between the overlapping leaves. His mind felt fluffy. A finger that suddenly slipped and fingertips that heat up due to friction. The inverted blue sky is far away, the field of vision becomes dark, and the ground that falls in. The feeling of being sucked into the bottom in the moment of falling. And the pain that hit the whole body.

He could remember vividly even now. _He was so sure he didn’t remember about it that much_.

From that moment, Otoya has always been weak at somewhere taller than his height. _If I go up high, I will fall_. It will be worse if he looks down. His heart swells in terrible fear. He feels like he will be sucked into the ground once he looks at it from above.

Otoya is scared. High places are nothing but scary. As Tokiya says, the degree of his fear is different from ordinary people. If he goes up high, he will lose control of everything.

***

Otoya doesn’t know that phobia is a mental illness that needs treatment.

Symptoms associated with phobia are physical symptoms and mood disorders, and Otoya is classified as such in that sense.

If you are not good with high places, it’s not only because you have acrophobia. In the first place, it is natural for human instinct to be afraid of places that are too high, as Tokiya had told Otoya, fear is also a movement of emotion that is necessary to protect lives.

Speaking of phobia, it is a pathological condition that causes an anxiety disorder by overreacting in a place that does not generally feel fear and causing distorted cognition and excessive defense reaction. For example, when it comes to the fear of heights, at a height that doesn't make everyone else feel terrible – but you’re terrified – the pathology is such that the reaction affects everyday life. The only delineation between fear and phobia is the presence or absence of pathology.

However, the general image of phobia and the definition in psychiatry are not always the same. Rather it can be said that they are dissociated.

Especially for the fear of heights that are the most familiar to the world, it is difficult for humans to know how much the suffering is. Most of them think those who have the fear of heights are similar to those who say they’re scared of the haunted house, but they could still enter, just have to scream a little. But phobia is not at that level.

This is even more true if it is the entertainment industry. There is no obvious consideration for people with fear of heights. Rather, their reaction when they’re terrified is funny and should be recorded to replay over and over again to the public. It is a cruel industry.

Otoya didn’t know it after his debut, but he learned it through variety training at Saotome Gakuen. During the variety training with high places, Otoya thought that he would die. Variety has things like bungee jumping and climbing, sliding a mysterious huge slide, so it is natural that there was such a practice at Saotome Academy classes – which aiming to cultivate human resources who can go out to the entertainment world and use it immediately. However, why there were such equipments in a school… he could only tell himself because it’s Saotome Academy, there’s no other explaination.

His classmates who weren’t afraid of heights suffered a lot during the training so it’s hell to Otoya those days. He really thought he would die. He thought so without joking. But Otoya did it. Because if he couldn’t he wouldn’t have been able to become an idol.

The classmates laughed at how desperate he was during the traning, they didn’t know what he had to face while struggling with those activities. But Otoya didn’t care about such things because he thought to himself he had to handle this matter on his own. In that aspect, Otoya was so determined and dedicated. 

After finishing the challenge, he felt great. Of course, he did what was impossible to him. And of course because he did what was too much for his body, Otoya became unable to move that night, dizziness and discomfort felt from the time of practical training worsened, he hit the toilet several times, and fell asleep without eating dinner that night.

It was Tokiya who took care of such pathetic Otoya. Tokiya was surprised too, because _even the always cheerful Otoya could become like this_.

At that time, Otoya told him about his fear of heights.

_You said that you wanted to enter the entertainment industry didn’t you? Are you going to stop here just because of that?_ – Otoya never thought Tokiya would say those words.

On the contrary to Otoya’s imagination, it was very surprising that even after that night, Tokiya usually gave him advices on variety training with high places. It doesn't change even after their debuts, and it doesn’t change even when the relationship between them moves from friends to lovers.

Yes, Otoya knows. A few days after Otoya told Tokiya that he was afraid of heights, a new book called “The Mechanism of Phobia” was in Tokiya’s bag.

Tokiya tried to understand what the phobia that Otoya had, and would have understood it exactly.

Tokiya tells Otoya this every time something happens.

_It’s not something you could endure or hold on with your spirit. In this cruel world, telling others about something like this is not a good idea because not everyone understand that feeling. It's very important to do your best but not to the point of breaking your own body. You should focus on overcoming the problem and find a way to make up for the symptoms rather than losing your health._

Otoya didn’t doubt Tokiya’s words at all since he had been in this industry for a long time. Still, he must do something, he didn’t want that phobia hinder him from his dream.

Sometimes they sing at high places in concerts. But he feels lucky that he can't see the bottom of the stage because it's illuminated by the intense lights. Those lights helped a lot for him to adjust. Not to mention Tokiya’s constant assistance and the support from other understanding members of ST☆RISH.

However, even so, Otoya often thinks that to have nothing to be scared of when being recorded is better.

For example, in times like these…

“Otoya, are you okay?”

“Somehow… yeah…”

In the corner of the observation room where everything is brand new and has a modern landscape, two people are on the bench. One is sitting, the other is lying his head on that person’s lap. Yes, the famous lap pillow posture that everyone knows.

From a distance, the staffs are clean up the photographic equipment, and there is a regulatory cone around them to prevent general tourists from entering. It is a usually seen situation after a TV program has been filmed.

However, the tourists who pass through the area only give a glimpse to such recording crews and do not show much interest. With two members of Japan's leading idol group on the bench, this general reaction is really rare.

Well, it was natural. Because this is not Japan.

If it’s Japan and there’s Ittoki Otoya lying on Ichinose Tokiya’s lap in the eyes of the public, they would have already been taken photograph of with the smartphones and those photos would have spread at once.

There is no need to worry about this because it is a country in West Asia. It's natural that tourists don't show that much interest, and they only think that some foreign programs is filming. The two on the bench were just some young normal asians, not the members of a popular idol group.

This is the observation room of a certain building.

This building is a place that currently has the world record as the tallest structure in the world, and is a famous tourist destination.

The observation room on the top floor where the photoshoot has just finished, has been made with a large amount of money, making it “the closest place to heaven”, and of course the observation deck is the highest in the world. Since this country belongs to a climatic zone with many sunny days, if you go up to this observation room, you will be able to get into the clear sky with a significant probability – as if you can feel like you are in heaven.

Yes, the place with the top service and scenery like this is hell for people with acrophobia like Otoya.

"Being close to heaven... more like being close to death…"

“It’s okay. You can’t die with just being on high places. Anyway, take a deep breath, think that your feet are now on the floor. I’m right here by your side.”

“Yeah… I will think that if I fall from this tower and die I still have Tokiya by my side.”

“You won’t fall, you don’t have to worry about dying.”

The reason why Otoya and Tokiya are in the world's best building is because they’re making the ST☆RISH's program ~Roulette special edition~ in overseas location. The title wasn’t their intention because this is just a project to promote the group but whenever they’re alone together in activities, the fans immediately call them Roulette.

At first, Otoya heard the plan from the producer and thought “this is bad”.

He doesn’t hate overseas location. It is fun to see the historical buildings of a foreign country, he loves to report the food culture unique to that country too, and he’s excited to talk with people from different countries. However, shooting at the world's highest tower, which is the biggest feature of this location, is bad. For someone with acrophobia like himself, this is definitely really, really bad.

However, he couldn't say that he didn't want to go, because the members other than Tokiya and Otoya were too busy. They couldn’t replace Otoya. They know about Otoya’s fear, so they are worried about this trip a lot, often contact to make sure he’s okay. Tokiya of course has been taking care of him even before depature, holding his hands throughout the long flight, wraps him up with a blanket and reassures him all the time. 

It was good while he entered the country safely and filmed famous sightseeing spots. He is confident that he made a video useful for editing the program by listening to the rare dishes of that country and communicating with local people, and above all, the work alone with Tokiya was always fun.

But, the feeling of fun blew away as soon as the location in the observation room began. He looked up at the tower from the bottom and thought about running away immediately.

Otoya's forehead couldn’t stop the cold sweats, and it was already hell that the elevator heading to the observation room was all glassed. When the camera wasn’t around, he was so depressed that he clung to the worried Tokiya (who soothed him relentlessly) and tightly closed his eyes.

Those series of action may have caused a misunderstanding (not really) about them being lovers, fortunately, the director and the the staffs of this program were not particularly concerned because they knew Otoya's phobia. The composition writer seems to have made a location script in the observation room so as not to be burdened on Otoya as much as possible, but that is not very effective when considering the situation of Otoya.

“Calmed down yet?”

“Yeah… thank you.”

So, after somehow finished the location, Tokiya lent a knee to Otoya who’s finally released from hell, gave him a towel to conceal his eyes.

Shutting out the outside scenery, feeling only the warmth of Tokiya's knees, Otoya calmed down somewhat, his cheek was more red than usual, exhaling a little breath, he took his towel down slowly.

Otoya's eyes, which are slightly moistened with fear, reflect Tokiya, and then the line of sight slowly moves outward. Contrary to Tokiya’s worry that he would be sick again after that, Otoya relaxed his expression a little. Even a small surprise comes to his eyes.

"It's true ... The sky is so beautiful ..."

It was as if he had seen the sky for the first time. Or as if he noticed the beauty of the sky for the first time.

"Yes it is. There’re not only bad things about high places right?"

_Look only at the top, not below_. Tokiya told Otoya that when the camera was turning.

People who are afraid of heights are often trapped by falling images so Tokiya knows that not being aware of the bottom is an effective method (the book about phobia from that time really helped him). Thanks to Tokiya, who told him many times that if he looked far away, he could stay conscious of the bottom, and he could open his eyes without trembling. He only needs to look at the sky through the glasses.

The sky is dimly seen from the glass window in the observation room. Without being obstructed by man-made objects, only the color of the sky closest to heaven in the world was reflected in Otoya’s eyes, and he whispered.

“I thought to myself “why do I become like this just by falling from the tree?” before.”

When Tokiya slowly adjusts to Otoya's line of sight and sends his gaze to the sky that can be seen from the observation room, its drench blue color seems to spreads there. All he could see was a strange sensation of being surrounded by blue, with only a thin white cloud extending far away. In such a blurry gorgeous scenery, only the weight of Otoya’s head felt on his knees is real.

"I always thought I was going to die when I was on high places. That pain. That fear. I’m scared of dying. If I die, there’s nothing left. There’re no ghosts so I won’t become one, I will only turn into nothing… I won’t be able to express my feeling anymore. That darkness will consume me… only loneliness will remain.”

Tokiya breaths out a small sound.

“But, Tokiya… this is such a beautiful place. I didn't know that the high place was so beautiful. Since I fell from the tree when I was little, everything that was visible from the high place was scary.”

Tokiya silently urged Otoya to continue. Then Otoya closed her eyes and murmured.

"If it could be this beautiful ... The high place may be close to death, but it may be close to heaven more? Since it’s too beautiful… I'm sure it's not completely dark. It must be close to where my mother is..."

While looking at Otoya with his eyes closed, Tokiya recalled the eyes of an innocent Otoya in the studio, saying that there were no ghosts.

Death and heaven, an unbelievable post-mortem world, a place close to heaven. Considering Otoya's words that say ghosts — the soul and the postmortem world are impossible, Otoya's idea that this is the entrance to a beautiful world of death was full of contradictions. But Tokiya thinks that is correct. The thought about death has some conflicts. Everyone's terminal station is always dead, but everyone being afraid of it sees it as a gate to another life. At that point, people's attitudes toward death are overflowing with contradictions.

Otoya's acrophobia is closely related to the fear of death, Tokiya thinks so. There’re people who Otoya can’t meet anymore. He even watched the process of his dear ones leaving this world. From the normal human beings into nothing left but ashes.

Otoya knows he can’t meet a dead person again no matter how hard he wants. Because he knows, the close emotional movement to death when falling from the tree must have taken root in his heart as fear of heights.

“It will be a problem if you’re too absorbed in it, it’s a place close to heaven after all. You might accidentally slip your feet.”

Otoya laughs at Tokiya’s joke.

“I still don’t like high places. I’m afraid that I still have to borrow Tokiya’s knees in the future.”

“Sounds troublesome.”

“Yes, I have to stay with Tokiya all the time when I'm in a high places. If this tower collapses, I'm sure it will be safe."

“It won’t collapse. Start where you want to ease your thoughts and get to know your fear of heights…”

Seeing Otoya becomes a little less afraid of high places, an ugly thought appears in Tokiya’s mind. _It’s good that Otoya still has his acrophobia_.

Tokiya can't catch up if he runs into the sky and disappears. Otoya is a man who has the potential to fly freely. If he isn’t on the ground, he will slip away from Tokiya.

“Stay here without worrying because I am here with you.”

Otoya relaxed hearing his word, not knowing Tokiya's keen real intention lurking in that sentence.

Even after the location on the highest tower of the world is over, Otoya still remains afraid of heights.

However, when he climbed to a high place, if he always looked up at the sky, it seemed that his fears had eased.


	3. [2] Dysmorphophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was around this time that he began to use his eyes very seriously because of his high consciousness of checking his figure at the time of dieting. Everything from skin condition, hair care set, appearance, fingertip gloss,… everything.
> 
> And he has been continued that habit since then. Oh, what did that writer say to him again?
> 
> It’s better to not get caught up too much with your own apperance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update as the last piece of 2019! It's Tokiya's turn now!
> 
> The next two chapters will raise the fic's rate up, thanks for all the kudos.

[2] Dysmorphophobia

He had once been told that he shouldn't be too obsessed with his appearance. It was a story about a time a little earlier than HAYATO when he had been rushing towards his dream. That person was a theater company writer. Of course at that time he immediately thought that the idea was too ridiculous to even think twice before dismissing it. Why not to care about the appearance when you are in the entertainment world?

The entertainment world is a world about reflection anyway. In this world, visual appeal is emphasized in the eyes, photography, and television. Of course appearance is not everything. Rather, if it only for their looks, they will be easily deprived of its place in this watery world. If you are an actor, you must improve your acting skill, and if you are a singer, you need singing skill and expressive skill. Even if you are talented, you can't entertain your audience if you're nelecting your self-improvement, and you'll be turned away from the world.

And Tokiya was aiming for an “idol” who has both talents and good appearance in that world. That’s why when they told him “don’t be too obsessed with your appearance”, he showed a little discomfort because he thought they were joking. Still, it was an unavoidable story.

Tokiya knows he has a well-proportioned face. It is not a boast or arrogance, but a pure fact. Of course everyone may prefer something more in his feature, like, some people don’t like his long eyes, some describe his cool expression is too cold, but a well-proportioned face is not necessarily be loved by all. Each part of his face has the right size, and their placement has the right balance and golden ratio.

Such Tokiya was not only blessed with a good face, but was also blessed with high potentials. It depends largely on the parents' educational policy, and since his childhood Tokiya has already learned a lot and has responded well.

When he was in elementary school, he took various lessons that were packed daily. If he found out there’re any problems in his lessons, he would immediately use his free time to fix it while children his age spent all the time playing with friends, games or doing nothing.

His parents told him that if he didn't neglect their efforts, the results would come. That is true to some extent, and Tokiya's ability to spend such busy days has visibly increased. Even now, after debuting, the merit of being able to play all the instruments is backed by the efforts of that time.

However, the effort is supreme but not universal. Tokiya noticed that fact when he met his roommate in the dormitory after entering Saotome Gakuen, but let’s not talk about this for now.

Tokiya, who has been making a step forward since childhood, has no weakness in face construction or ability. But even he has a complex. There is only one big complex.

He was a little obese rather than chubby in his childhood. It’s unbelievable if you look at him now, but it was certainly true.

_Tokiya-kun is cute when he’s fat but it would be better if he loses some weights_. Just a comment from the aunts in the neighbourhood and it became a teasing story for the jealous classmates. Even though he was young, it hurt the pride of Tokiya, a boy who already had his own world and was dignified. Naturally, Tokiya's personality formed the consciousness of the physique as the only thing he could not be proud of.

Personality is a nuisance. His parents were really strict in raising him too, both of his personality and his parents’ education heavily affected Tokiya’s attitude towards perfection. If it functions as a spiral that leads to success and confidence, it works very well, and as long as it does not break down, the gear continues to rotate as a strong principle of action.

Tokiya was pushed by that gear and decided to diet. It was the moment when Tokiya, whose principle of action is to keep himself perfect and to make a perfect effort, decided to kill his only flaw.

Tokiya then succeeded in a diet that he thought was a superbly strong complex for many years and needed as his own reform.

It was a bloody effort. It was very painful because Tokiya was a child who had eaten well, as revealed by his parents' letter in an interview program in the magazine. In the first place, Tokiya had eaten a lot of during lessons since childhood without knowing it because it helped him relieve from stress. In that respect, it shouldn't be a story about the lack of self-management for Tokiya's fat childhood, but something that can't be helped.

Anyway, he succeeded in the diet. Thorough calorie control has continued to be Tokiya's habits, and exercise is still indispensable.

Indeed, there is nothing that can't be done with effort, and humans who mourn if they can't do it lack their efforts. He wonders if he has succeeded in this way. It repaired Tokiya's pride, which was slightly injured by the nearby aunts and classmates.

Since then, Tokiya's creed has also been added to the idea of “thorough stoic”. The creed is as hard and strong as a stone as much as Tokiya's long-standing complex was paid. It was around this time that he began to use his eyes very seriously because of his high consciousness of checking his figure at the time of dieting. Everything from skin condition, hair care set, appearance, fingertip gloss,… everything.

And he has been continued that habit since then. Oh, what did that writer say to him again?

_It’s better to not get caught up too much with your own apperance. _

***

_…How could this happen?!_

On that day, Tokiya froze while looking at the mirror.

Tokiya is looking at his face. The face is no different than when he was doing skincare before going to bed yesterday. He didn’t suddenly turn into an insect like in Franz Kafka’s novel. However, although not an insect, Tokiya was shocked to see his face. There’s a small red dot near the mouth, slightly below the cheek.

Acne was formed.

_Why?_

When something happens, it is due to something. Everything happens for a reason. He has acne. Then there must be a reason.

Tokiya first thought about stress and the lack of sleep. But there is no particular memory that stress has suddenly increased. Although he had a chronic lack of sleep due to his two years of school life and HAYATO, he was still within an acceptable range compared to severe times.

Another thing he can think of is the eating habits. Tokiya desperately thinks in his brain. His brain’s now being scanned.

Then, Tokiya noticed.

Chocolate. He ate one piece of chocolate yesterday.

He shouldn’t have done that. Speaking of pimples, chocolate is a synonym. Anyway, that's a lot of oil. First of all, it gets fat. _Why did he eat chocolate and so on? Why did he do such a stupid thing?_

At that time, a familiar red head appeared in the washroom where Tokiya was.

"Tokiya? What are you thinking about? What happened?"

"..."

Tokiya stared at Otoya.

_That's it. It's because of this guy. This was all Ittoki Otoya’s fault_.

Yesterday, Otoya got a delicious chocolate from his classmates and he ignored that Tokiya said that he didn't need it and forcibly screwed the chocolate into his mouth. How depressing.

“Ah, does Tokiya have acne?”

“…!!!”

At that time, Tokiya couldn’t understand the character of a human being called Ittoki Otoya who can points out easily what people care about like this. _Why don’t you just leave it alone? Why does your frankness have to poke where it hurts most?_

And while Otoya was the one who recommended chocolate to Tokiya, and he himself had flattened chocolate much more than Tokiya, there seems to be no signs that he is suffering from puberty breakouts. Even though Tokiya is very careful and keep his skin with great care, this man who is not doing anything can keep a decent skin. And just one piece of chocolate could show this much difference. In any case, the balance of effort and results is unfair. Very unfair.

Even if Otoya gets acne, his indifferent attitude towards that state will fuel the unfairness in Tokiya too. This doesn't make anyone who doesn't make an effort look good. After all it is unfair. Tokiya sometimes feels bitter about Otoya being like that.

Anyway, when he compare himself with this man, Tokiya feels very unfair. Tokiya is trying hard to keep everything in the best condition while Otoya just stays there, relaxing, and still be the best of the best. He’s bitter at such Otoya's stance, sometimes even gets angry, but, what worse is how he cares so much about Otoya like that.

Otoya looked at Tokiya's face in silence and smiled a little. _Tokiya is surprised because of that huh_? What is this man saying? What’s with those eyes? It’s like they are looking through everything.

"It's okay. The pimples will always heal."

Tokiya felt that the bottom of his belly was boiled hearing those words. _I know that_. _Isn't that obvious?_ But Tokiya hates it.

The pimples heal sometime, but what do you do if there are traces left? There are foundations and concealers for shooting, but if you don't keep your skin in the best condition, you'll be exposed in no time. In the first place, Tokiya cannot allow himself to have acne. He’s not doing his best, he’s making mistakes. ――He’s dissociated from himself as it should be.

He’s having a lot on his mind but Tokiya still remained silent. Otoya once again said _It’s okay_ to him.

“Because Tokiya is cool”

"What is that, how does it have anything to do with this?"

"Tokiya who works hard is cool, but Tokiya is cool even if he doesn't work. It's okay, just be Tokiya is fine."

_It’s okay_, Otoya said again.

_What is this man saying?_ That was the impression of Tokiya at that time. Does he mean the lack of ambition, such as being as it is, is a good thing?

It is only a little later that Tokiya knows the true meaning of Otoya's words.

***

Tokiya sighed in front of the mirror. It was a thin, short sigh.

"..."

He can't really arrange his hairstyle.

Tokiya doesn't have much problem to set his morning hair. Originally, Tokiya's own hair has been used to arrange hair tips using bouncing, so in the morning the hair tips are carefully calculated with wax or spray to make them bounce. Tokiya is very particular about the direction and angle. Seeing Tokiya with that much commitment, Otoya twitches his mouth a little.

However, the hairstyle has not been arranged well today. Whether he set it with wax or spray it, his hair doesn't flow in the direction he wants. A bunch of hair that he really wants to unite breaks into a strange wind and flows to the unintended one. It might be better to take a shower and reset it, but he doesn’t have enough time. However, wax and spray are repeatedly applied, and hair is likely to be fixed in this flow. It's a terrible situation.

"Good morning~ Tokiya"

"Good morning"

Otoya enters the lavatory with a large loss of hair, picks a bunch of hair with his right hand, and leans his head to Tokiya with his wax in his other hand.

"Tokiya? What's wrong? Making such grumpy face. Oh ... maybe because of the hairstyle?"

Tokiya doesn't answer. He’s annoyed.

Seeing Tokiya like that, Otoya just walked behind him and quietly hugged him. Considering the usual situation of having too many skinships, it is quite strange.

Of course, Tokiya was the one who’s surprised. Usually in the next morning after the night they spent together, Otoya rarely took more than necessary skinship with Tokiya. Apparently he is embarassed.

What has happened today to change that? Tokiya forgets that his hairstyle is not arranged in place, and looks back over his shoulder to see Otoya on his back.

"Otoya? What happened?"

"It's okay. Tokiya like this is already enough."

Tokiya realized that he wanted to talk about the hairstyle.

“But…”

"It's okay. Tokiya doesn't lose his good points just because his hair doesn't bounce as usual. I love Tokiya today as well. ''

“I guess you can say that”

That said, though. Tokiya will not be able to settle down unless he matches his self-image with his real image. _You have to be the best ideal image of yourself_. Tokiya, who has pushed himself up high for a long time, cannot help but breathe. To do that, he must do as much as he needs to, restricts his diet, and does bothersome skin care and cares for his hair. He has to do that.

That has always been Tokiya’s world. You work hard, you will be rewarded for it. Those who neglect the effort won’t step any closer to perfection.

However, while being hugged by Otoya, Tokiya heard him say:

"I always think that Tokiya is so cool, but that's not all. Tokiya is always working hard. I think the effort to make that effort is amazing. The side of you which always try hard is amazing. That's why when there’s Tokiya, I tell myself I have to do my best with singing. You know a lot because you read a lot of books. I respect the way you have accumulated so much, and I'm not the only one who wants to do my best because of Tokiya. ''

"Then we can't stop still! Effort is a constant goal of improvement."

"That's right, but I think Tokiya is amazing with his current appearance and posture. What I want to say is that even if it is not 100 percent perfect that Tokiya expects, for example, 80 percent does not have any effect on the good points of Tokiya or the awesomeness of Tokiya that everyone knows.''

"While saying that my effort is awesome, you said that it didn't affect my strengths even if I'm not at the level I need, that’s strange."

"Is it strange or inconsistent?"

"... No, I somehow understand what you want to say."

Otoya says this when Tokiya is too picky. _It's okay as it is, it won't affect Tokiya's good places_. When he gained a little bit and was extremely reluctant to consume carbohydrates, Otoya told Tokiya that.

_I think it's amazing that Tokiya works hard, but how about doing it steadily and carefully? That is much more like Tokiya!_ \- or something like that. In those words, Tokiya slightly modified whether the extreme method was good, and eventually returned to his original shape without difficulty.

Otoya praises Tokiya's appearance and his inside everytime this way. Then he can just go with it. He doesn't deny Tokiya who is particular about it, but he suggests that he lower the level he demands a little while using a unique wording that does not hurt Tokiya's pride. He loves Tokiya and brings that feeling to the forefront. He affirms the current Tokiya is wonderful. Make up for what Tokiya cannot do.

Now, Tokiya can understand the writer's words at that time.

It is not good to be too picky and stubborn. There you become a gangster and your breath becomes painful. Especially in the case of Tokiya, his self-image is too high, and a lot of effort is required to conform to reality, making compromise more and more difficult. In addition, it would have been even better if he had the versatility of his efforts. There is nothing that cannot be changed by effort. The inability to do that is proof of laziness. Driven by that belief, Tokiya can easily manage himself.

_It is not like that_, Tokiya's stubborn self-belief was relieved by Otoya.

Otoya probably knows. To something that resembles an obsession lurking in Tokiya. That's why he recommend Tokiya chocolate since he was a student, saying that it would be okay to make a breakout, and that there would be no problem if he had bad hairstyle sometimes. _I love you as you are, those things can’t reduce Tokiya’s value_, he said that with much confident.

At first Tokiya was frustrated or denied Otoya’s words, but now he knows his sincerity. Don’t be too stubborn, acknowledge things as they are, maintain your health without giving up ambition. He once became angry with Otoya's attitude, perhaps because he was unconsciously jealous of the appearance of Otoya who did not have his own repression.

Tokiya exhaled, feeling the warmth of Otoya on his back. Return the wax to its place and look at Otoya.

"... Well, let's go with this today. If Otoya would say so then it's okay. I trust you."

“Yes!”

Today Otoya accepts Tokiya as he is as well. He doesn’t forget to affirm that everything in the world will do that, too. It's strange. Tokiya learned from Otoya that such an idea exists in the world, and that the idea of Otoya was not an equal evil, but the value of the idea of affirming himself. Indeed, Tokiya is just beginning to think it is thanks to Otoya that he could accept himself as he is.

Is it okay to do something like that?

A boy who lived in his strong commitment and self-image has now grown to feel like this.


End file.
